if you have lost someone....

*okay i think there's a bit in the middle where i talked a tad bit too much..if it gets boring do it novel style and skip to the end*


i got so mad when i was walking to work this morning. i looked at the world took in the sounds the birds the cars and the carbon-stained air...all showing that it was a normal day. but its NOT a normal day today. it felt so unfair that the rest of Harare should keep on moving keep going on with their lives when my sister was no longer with us!! Damn them!!! do them for not feeling the void that has been left in the world. Ok, so maybe this void is just in my world.

I was still awake at 1am this morning, watching a series on my mom's laptop.. I wasn't sleepy too. then i heard it, my mom's phone ring! at one o'clock!!who would call at one o'clock in the morning!? but I kinda knew. my heart refused to believe it. i forced myself to believe this 1am call would be some time zone confused relative somewhere overseas. if there's one thing the people in my family are scared of its these dead of the night..or morning phone calls. lets face it, no one's gonna call you at 1am to say "hey guess what I won the lotto!"
we know that whenever is one of those, its bad news.

amazingly, still i hoped,and silently prayed that it would be good news for the first time. I wont pretend we had one of those talk together every other day relationships, if anything it was every other month. but i loved her, in the way a younger brother loves his older sister. and now she is gone! my niece has now lost both her parents and its a really painful thing to imagine upon anyone. i have seen adults breakdown upon the loss of their parents and fail to get out of depression for months...and now...a little girl has no mother. why is the world such an unfair place.


we all have endured the pain of losing a loved one. but one thing i am sure, is that losing them was not the hardest bit. of course losing a close friend/relation always switches on the no one-is-immortal light bulb but that's not the most painful thing. of course memories flood you mind, a kaleidoscope of colour...okay sometimes black and white...and sometimes a gloomy grey, but still...that is NOT  the hardest bit. yes there have been days when things were hard and you wanted to call out their name coz they are really the only person that ever stood up for you..and yes these times were hard, but it wasn't the hardest time.

crying yourself to sleep was also not the hardest thing you ever had to do. even though you secretly thought if you cried hard enough, God would bring them back. for countless days you dreamt of them and did not want to wake up coz it was easier being in the dream with them again.

numerous times you tried to remember their scent, their smile and even the things they did that used to piss you off. now thinking that you would take even that as opposed to living without them. yes now you are forced to accept a lot of things; that you were never really close to some people and your relationship relied on someone else and now that someone is gone. this is all very sad but its NOT what is hardest.

too many times the people we lose were a sign of hope. the last proof to you that there are still good people living on earth. too many times there are things we wish we had said, we are filled with regrets. they drown us and choke us...what we should have told them, what we shouldn't have told them...but our regrets are NOT what hits us the hardest!!

okay let me tell you what the hardest thing is.
the hardest thing is moving on with your life!! not the actual moving on, that comes naturally!! its the mental punishment we put ourselves through because life is happening and we are moving on...
..its not guilt as such, its more like you feel like you have betrayed that person. you feel like after all they did for you in life, you repay them by forgetting about them and going on with your life.

Naturally, at first you will pray for them everyday, that they got to heaven or whatever it is you believe in (its virgins for some) but as time goes on..it becomes once a week then once a month then rarely.

It is at that point that we plunge ourselves into depression because we feel that our loved ones will see that we truly miss them. we give up our lives, our happiness because we feel we owe it to them. But is that what they would have liked for us. did they want us to die together because surely wallowing in such sorrow is not to far from death.

i will admit its a difficult thing to do though..coz with every smile, you think of their life ended prematurely. but to you even if they died at 120 years old...it would've been prematurely. i am not saying forget those that we love who have left us.. I'm saying live your life (don't worry I'm not gonna go cliché and say "live your life for them")... live your life for the other people you still have...at least you are not alone there are others who are. I'm sorry i used that line wen i was a kid i always hated it when i was told to "appreciate what i have coz others don't have it"...so that's what I'm sharing with you

we know what the hard thing is..how are we gonna live through it... I've loved and lost like everyone else.. death did not pity me coz i have a blog...i continue to love those people and i continue to live...

have a great day everyone!



@archiemoyo
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